Caryn Rude: A Decade of Recovery – From Struggle to Strength

I was born in Queens and moved to Roslyn, Long Island when I was in the 4th grade. That is when my depression began. We moved to an upper-middle-class town, where fathers wore suits, moms played tennis, and my peers had nannies. I felt so out of place and just wanted what they all had. I would come home from school crying every day saying, “I have no friends”. I felt so alone.

Dance was what brought me joy. I started to take dance lessons when I was 6 years old, and I continued after we moved. I went on to become a dance instructor. My students looked up to me, and I felt a purpose in my life.

At age 16, I started taking diet pills and laxatives. I wanted to be skinny and could not control my eating. I thought this was a “quick fix”, but of course it wasn’t. I compared myself to my younger sister, who had tons of friends, was skinny, smart, and excelled in everything she did, including sports. I felt lost. I was a good student and worked hard, but everything came easily for my sister.
 
On the outside, I was spunky, outgoing, full of life, happy, loving, and caring. On the inside, I was alone and scared. My inner voice told me I was not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, and I wouldn’t amount to anything. Yet my family kept telling me the opposite. Even my grandma, who I loved dearly and was—besides my mom—my best friend and my rock. I remember the day we got the phone call that my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I felt like my world came crashing down. I lived in fear that I would lose her, day after day, for eight years.

After graduating high school, I went to the University of Massachusetts. I wanted to go to a big school where I could “re-create myself”. During my first year of college, 9/11 happened, my grandmother passed away, and I still didn’t feel I fit in—despite joining a sorority. I made the decision to move back home and transfer to the Fashion Institute of Technology. I started to live the “city life”. I was introduced to cocaine, my alcohol consumption increased, and I loved it.
 
After college, I started a career in the events industry and continued living in my family home. The shame of my use began to grow. No matter how much pain I was in, I could not stop. I lied, I stole from my parents, and my physical health deteriorated. I literally got to the point where I couldn’t walk, my feet were so swollen. I was spiraling downward.

One day in 2015, I arrived at a crossroads: I surrendered, and cried out to my mom for help, “What’s happening to me?” She insisted we needed to go to the hospital immediately. I was terrified and asked both my mom and dad not to leave me, and they didn’t. This is where my recovery life and journey began.

I spent the next three months focused on my sobriety, first, at a 28-day rehab, and then at a
recovery house in Canaan, CT. I befriended people who felt the same way I did. For the first time, I did not feel alone. I felt like I belonged and no longer ashamed or broken. I took every suggestion given to me and trusted in a higher power. I committed to an active AA program with strong support from my sponsor, amazing friends, and my family members who are always there for me
 
As I gained strength in my new recovery life, I decided it was time to make a change; I became a
Recovery Coach and joined the Release Recovery family. In my current role, I work with clients
to show them there is a better way of life without substances, that they are capable of anything.

In my new career, I realized how mental health and addiction coincide with one another. After much thought, I decided to go back to school to receive a master’s degree in mental health counseling. I graduated in October 2024 with a 4.0 GPA. None of this would have been possible if I were not sober.
 
Recovery has allowed me to remove the mask that I was wearing and to be the person I was meant to be. I am not ashamed of my past and proud to be the woman I am today. Last month, I celebrated a full decade of recovery. I know I can take chances in life and face the fears that once held me back.