The Ninth Time: Finding Recovery One Day At a Time, by TJ Aitken

I had just been released from detox and was starting an outpatient addiction treatment program for the ninth time. “One day at a time”, that saying in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, still sounded corny to me, just like it had 8 times before.

I was afraid. I was 22 years old, sitting in my childhood room on my twin bed. I was 6 days’ sober, off a heroin run that almost took my life and my freedom yet again. It’s 11pm on a Thursday night. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and face the person I had become and the things I had done.

I had been told long ago to “live one day at a time”. That was easy for others to say—others in 12-Step meetings who were 2, 3, even 4 decades older than me. I was skeptical of all the sayings in these meetings. When I heard them, I just wanted to tear my ears off. Maybe I was just exhausted, but inside me a new feeling was developing–maybe I should just surrender and LISTEN.

Let me step back. My path to that Thursday night at my parents’ house had taken many twists and turns.
I had found drugs and alcohol at the age of 14, and for the first time in my life, I felt I belonged. It was
love at first sight. While my substance of choice was marijuana to start, I dabbled and experimented
with prescription pills, including opiates. Before I realized it, I was truly unable to stop. There were many
consequences, one of which was being unable to attend college following high school.

My parents were supportive of my recovery, but they were also tough. They established boundaries to
protect themselves. I was not allowed to live at the house while using. They always encouraged
treatment and meetings but never bailed me out of jail or trouble.

One day, after starting that outpatient program for the 9th time, I found my way to the CCAR Recovery Community Center in Hartford. I walked in, clearly in a shaky state of recovery, and desperate. A guy
named Mike greeted me warmly. It was the start, for the first time in my life, of my finding
authentic community. I discovered that there were other young men my age in the recovery rooms. As AA fellowship became my life–not just a part of my life—I learned to be honest, open-minded, and willing. Call it osmosis, but the sayings like “first things first” and “it works if you work it” started to make sense. Brick by brick, my recovery foundation was forming, punctuated by little moments of happiness–like when we’d go out for soft ice cream after fellowship meetings.

I got my first job in recovery washing dishes and making pizza in Coventry. I acquired my first car, a little
blue truck that shook when I went over 65mph. I found purpose in my life, and I looked to give back by
providing service to others who struggled. I continued to take action to meet my responsibilities.

After hating who I was as a boy and young man, I built self-esteem and self-love. I kept showing up and
being present for others. The idea of paying back by estimable acts made sense to me. I found proof in
my daily life that being a young person in recovery could be FUN. By focusing on the present, I stopped
getting overwhelmed about the future.

My beautiful recovery life began that ninth time after treatment, despite my trying to “white-knuckle” it yet again. This time, something stuck when I met Mike at the CCAR Center and attended some
local meetings. I met young people my age who have become lifelong friends. The service component of
12-step fellowship meant that through my acts of kindness and support, I was making my own recovery
stronger.

Funny how things work out, right? Nine times in treatment, nine years clean. Who would’ve thought? I’m grateful. #9 is a lucky number for me. I’m grateful. I’m a father, husband, recovery coach, and now a full-time employee of the organization that was there for me—CCAR, or CT Community of Addiction Recovery.

The simple sayings of AA meetings are, in my opinion, worth their weight in gold. They worked for me.
“One day at a time” will always be my favorite.