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My paternal grandfather shot himself to death the year I was born due to depression
and alcohol addiction. My paternal grandmother suffered from blackout drinking her
entire life and was charged with DUI in her 70s. Both my mother and father had severe
problems with alcohol use that included frequent physical and verbal altercations in the
presence of me and my siblings. My mother went to rehab after a drunk driving accident
that sent me to the hospital when I was twelve. My two siblings also experienced the
impact of alcohol abuse until they stopped drinking in their thirties.
Despite all this trauma, I was taught from an early age living in Weston, CT to make
sure no one outside our immediate family knew of the troubles going on inside. Our
unspoken motto was “be nice, be polite, dress well and don’t let anyone know what’s
really going on or how you feel”. Given the trauma that alcohol caused in our family, and
the unwillingness to address it, it’s no surprise that I turned to alcohol and drugs in an
attempt to deal with feelings of anxiety, guilt and low self- esteem. I began acting out in
school and in my junior year I began drinking and drugging regularly throughout the day.
Once in college, I’d wake up each day smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol as a
means of self-medicating my unhealthy emotions. For the next five years, my substance
abuse grew, my emotional state deteriorated, and I flunked out of school and travelled
around the country. I began to have regular blackouts, and I became a liar, a cheat, and
an abuser all to support my habits and mask my emotional pain.
I found myself back in college having nightly blackouts and increased feelings of self-
loathing and despair. Numerous nights ended with coming out of blackouts, not knowing
where I was, and wondering how this would end. I was consumed with suicidal thoughts
and finally cried out for help. AA was suggested as a pathway to recovery, and I decided
to try it. My initial experience was in a small college town at meetings with few people
my age. I envisioned a non-drinking lifestyle in dark church basements devoid of any
fun, and I used that excuse to continue my substance abuse for the next four years.
After moving to Manhattan for work, on one occasion I had a particularly bad blackout
experience. I finally decided to give AA another try. I found myself in a lunch time
meeting in midtown filled with many happy, laughing, and supportive people who talked
about their feelings and offered well-meaning support. With genuine excitement, I
began going to daily meetings and learned a program of recovery which included
connections with many like-minded people. I will always be grateful to Dick H., who took
me under his wing and was my AA sponsor for my first five years.
Through my continued participation in 12-Step groups, I learned that there was a power
greater than myself that helped direct my feelings and actions. I worked on character
defects like resentment and self-pity to live a more meaningful life.
I also learned that my emotional health and growth can be enhanced and supported by
professional therapy and have benefitted tremendously from two excellent professionals
over the years.
After four years of continued recovery, I enrolled in graduate school for my MBA and on
my first day there, I met a woman who would become my wife for the next 35 years and
counting. I married into a family that showed me what happy and healthy relationships
look like. I have been blessed with a loving wife and two wonderful children and would
never have experienced this joy without my program of recovery and emotional well-
being. All of this has allowed me to remain drug and alcohol free for the last four
decades.
After reaching the end of my professional career, I moved into recovery coaching and
currently work for the Lighthouse. I’m driven to pay it forward and help people find their
own individualized recovery pathway. What worked for me on my spiritual journey is
what I emphasize with my clients–connection, compassion and love.
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