In memory of Evan, 10 years later

On July 16, 2015, two New Canaan police officers knocked on the door of our house at 25 Heather Drive, to tell my wife and I that my Evan from Heaven, that funny family comedian, had died of an overdose the previous day. That young man, who lighted up the room when he walked in, had passed alone in his bedroom.

At that time, I wasn’t thinking of anything about a personal-growth journey, that somehow the pain and sorrow to be experienced could morph into something amazing. I lost my first-born son. I was in shock, then I spent a protracted period with deep regret and sadness.

Evan had so much potential. There were so many “What if’s”. My inner voice didn’t help: “You blew it, Paul! If you had intervened at the right time, Ev would still be here.” I tried all sorts of ways to quiet the negative chatter, including listening to audiobooks like Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. In it, the author encourages processing grief through meditation. I tried it, in group sessions and at home. Surprisingly, allowing the feelings about Evan to flow through me brought out temporary emotions and the processing that I needed.

Fast forward exactly 14 months after Evan had died, and the New Canaan Parent Support Group was formed. It seemed like the right time to consider–not just retirement from my career, but–how I could help others like I had been helped. There were many people who supported me during the 4-plus years when Evan was struggling with his opioid addiction.

The Thursday parent meeting that we launched was small to begin with. Maybe 4 or 5 parents. Over time, more and more parents trickled in. Soon, the children of some of our parents would find long-term recovery. Yet several of these grateful parents kept coming to our meetings, people I call the “regulars”. What they found–and I also have found–is a community of like-minded people who seek to pay it forward in helping others. As a result of this ongoing support of others, strong, enduring friendships have developed.

Fast forward to the present, I look back on all the work of the last eight plus years launching and expanding NCPSG with educational sessions, a website, newsletter and the annual Vigil, I have discovered the joy of community. Bringing people together has made the support group experience way more fulfilling than anything I achieved during my business career. Today, July 15, 2025, I have already gotten texts telling me to think how many people have been helped by what was started in tribute to Evan. I don’t know that answer, and nobody does.

Evan believe in community, in making a difference in others’ lives. Things were just fun around him, as I explored in my blogpost about The Greatest Hockey Game Ever Played. It’s sad to think that he was hiding internal struggles as he reached out to others, trying to bring joy into their lives. He was kind, witty, empathetic, and talented. Yet he at times, especially in his last days and hours, he was isolated and feeling shame for letting others down.

On this day, I remember Evan, including the good times like our summer vacations in Maine, where I can clearly see Evan darting in and out of the waves on the beach. As I look out on the crowd of like-minded people during NCPSG’s 9th Annual Community Addiction Awareness Vigil on August 27th, I will be saying to myself, “Look Ev, look at the community you created.”